Full Circle
by Phoebsfan
Summary: Maybe it's the rebel in him that refuses to believe or maybe he just can't live with the reality, either way he's going to change it. Possible Season Five spoilers
1. Zane

**Full Circle**

_Phoebsfan_

_Summery: Maybe it's the rebel in him that refuses to believe or maybe he just can't live with the reality, either way he's going to change it.  
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_Rating: T  
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_AN: Not sure how far this goes. Started as a oneshot but there will be a chapter added for Jo's reality as well. If it goes anywhere after that we will just have to see.  
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Full circle, he thinks as he tries not to watch them eat dinner together like a little family. Carter, Jo, and Jenna sitting around a table together. Jo a little too close to Carter. All of them a little too happy,

He gets it.

Finally.

It feels like someone has picked his world up, shaken the hell out of it, and is laughing as they stomp on any bits that remain undamaged. Feels like sandpaper on an open wound. The worst bit of emotional road rash he can imagine, little bits of gravel digging in deep.

And they weren't even technically together back then. He had left knowing that she might not wait for him. That she might not love him or even want him around after six months on Titan. He was only gone for a blink, didn't really even have time to miss her.

But watching her with another man.

Gutted.

Yeah, that's the term for what he's feeling. Like someone sliced him open and just took everything.

So he gets it. That sadness in her eyes. The anger. Why she might have been hesitant to commit to anything serious with him.

He must have looked like emotional suicide to her back then. Like a one way ticket back to this hellish place he is currently residing in. Look but don't touch. Watch as the one thing you want is so close but so unobtainable.

He could never fathom looking at her could hurt so much. Even before they were together, catching her from the corner of his eye had always been a pleasure. Watching her move, imagining her in his space. When they had gotten together, the image of her under her clothing replacing the fantasy. He never imagined that looking at her now would feel like a knife to his gut, like a train wreck he can't pull his eyes from. Even as they burn from her presence.

Maybe he never thought she would have that power over him. But she does. God, does she. With her hair pulled back in that ponytail he's just dying to let loose, tangle his fingers in and get lost in the memory. Push her against the wall and feel his way back into her heart. Mark her as his.

He's never felt so damn territorial over a woman before. He's turning into a damn pussy.

Carter laughs drawing Zane's attention from her.

His stomach turns, and he pushes his plate away from him as he grips the edge of the counter with is free hand. Knuckles white. Jaw clenched. Torn between wanting to vomit and beating the shit out of the other man. The man whose hands have run all over her private places. Who shares a life along with the privilege of sleeping in her bed, holding her close all night. Waking up next to her, sliding in close and...

God, he wishes he could bleach the image from his mind. Erase it all completely.

This might be worse. At least she hadn't come back to find him head over heels with another woman.

At least he had spared her that. Though he flirted and played with other women, he'd never been serious about any of them. It hurts worse that Carter is his friend. He would never have gone for one of her friends.

Except... he had. Zoe. Karma is a bitch after all. A vindictive manipulative bitch he'd like nothing more than to kick in the fucking face.

The door chimes as Allison pushes it open, forcing his eyes away. He watches as she hesitates. He knows her stomach is probably just as sick as his. Bets she is second guessing the idea of dinner too. Wondering if she can make a clean get away.

He honestly has no clue how she does it. How she can watch them up close everyday. He wonders what she ever did to piss off fate. Cause it is screwing her big time. Not only did she lose the man she loved but she lost her family too.

He kind of knows how she feels.

Friends.

Like that is fucking likely.

Carter waves her over to the table and she gives her impression of a smile before trudging over to the happy family who are standing and pushing in chairs like they are getting ready to leave.

"We were just finishing up, but we could stick around if you-" Jo offers uncomfortably as Jenna throws her arms around her mother's waist.

"No, I'm just picking up an order. I've got a lot left to do tonight." Allison interrupts.

"But we'll see you tomorrow?" Carter asks. Allison nods and Zane loses interest.

It's too ugly. Like some Greek tragedy. Watching Dr. Blake fall on a sword repeatedly is not his idea of entertainment. Especially not when it mimics his life so very well.

He picks up his fork, pushes his food around the plate. Wonders if it ever gets easier. If one day he won't feel like hell when he looks at her. Won't still crave being in the same space with her. Won't miss her voice. Her laugh. Her... God...

He hadn't even told her he loved her. Hadn't made any kind of promise. He isn't supposed to feel like she still owns him when she never had.

He wishes now that he would have done something, said something. It wouldn't have changed anything, but it might have made him feel a little less shitty. Like maybe things would have been different had she known he loved her. Like maybe she would have waited longer.

Not likely, but he is desperate to cling to any little hope that would have changed his reality. Something to justify the hollow feeling. Something to warm his bitter soul. A reason to fucking sleep at night.

He wishes there was someone to blame. Himself for not seeing what was in front of him all those years? No, because he probably would have broken her heart. Her for moving on, for making him fall for her in the first place? No, because as soon as his eyes fall on her the fire burns out. He can't stay mad at her. Four years was a long time, especially after losing him once before. He can't blame her for not wanting to feel like this anymore.

"How do you do it?" He asks when the group leaves and Allison slumps into a seat down the counter from him.

"What?" She plays innocent and he shoots her a look, calling her on it.

"One day at a time?"

It comforts him that she doesn't have a clue either.

It's just too damn unreal. Like he's entered some alternate reality. If he could just wake up, the nightmare would end. Maybe she'd be next to him.

What he'd give to pull her close and tell her the things he never said.

"It still doesn't feel real." He mutters under his breath.

"But it is..." She sighs.

Shit, it is.

Maybe it's the rebel in him that refuses to believe or maybe he just can't live with the reality, either way he's going to change it. He's not just going to stand back and watch like Jo did. Like they all did.

He's going to fight until she gives in. Or at least until she listens.

He can't live like this. He won't.


	2. Jo

Six months is a lifetime, she thinks as she pulls into a parking stall in front of Cafe Diem. She doesn't have anywhere else to go and she knows there is no better place to announce her return than at the town's social hub.

On one hand she can't believe it's been six months, on the other it feels like it's been an eternity.

Something feels off though. When she steps into the building it's oddly quiet. The mood more subdued than usual and no one rushes up to welcome her home. She doesn't like how well it sits with that sick feeling she's had in the pit of her stomach for months. That nagging feeling that something isn't quite right.

She's not expecting a party to welcome her home. She didn't tell anyone she was coming home to avoid just that, but the tone in the diner is more like a church, or a graveyard...

When she left town she burned her bridges. She hadn't wanted anyone to get in contact with her because she had wanted to go it alone and figure things out. She hadn't needed the added complication of the temptation to return. So she left no way to contact her, and didn't stay in one place for any amount of time. But now she wonders if she should have.

She didn't gain any real insight on her little walkabout. Only the fact that Eureka was home. That she wouldn't actually change anything about where she had ended up. Nothing she had tried in the last six months had made her any happier or feel any more fulfilled than what she had been doing here. When she asked the universe to show her what she was missing it had politely shown her the middle finger and told her she already knew that answer.

It had only taken her a few weeks to realize that there was absolutely nothing that would ever fill that nice little Zane sized hole. She had wanted to hate him for that, for ruining her for any other man, but found that she didn't really care that he had. Just irritation at the separation.

She had wanted to turn around and come home then, but knew he wouldn't exactly be in touch for another five months one week and three days and that he wasn't the only reason she had left anyway. So she had continued on her trip of self discovery.

She's glad she left, she knows that the journey was necessary and it really couldn't have happened at a better time. If she hadn't gone she doubts she would be so happy for Zane's return. So ready for more. So at ease with the idea of actually trying to make it work between them.

What she's not comfortable with is the strange atmosphere she's walked into.

They are supposed to come home today.

She was expecting banners and signs. Welcome Home Astraeus Crew. A party in the works. Something. What greets her is a few people scattered throughout the diner. Most of them minding their own business.

No excitement. No colorful trappings.

Two things happen at the same time. Carter pushes open the diner door and Vincent steps out from the back. Both of them freeze.

Make that three things. Her heart stops.

"Jo..."

"We tried to reach you..."

She waits for it to start again but has this sick feeling that it's not going to be the same when it does. If they say... Maybe it won't start again at all.

She falls into the seat closest to her.

"Don't."

It's all she can say. All she can feel. Somewhere her heart started beating again, steady as always. Unaware that things have changed. Unaware that her breathing is now acting up. Like all the oxygen has been sucked from the room.

"We-" Carter tries again but she holds her hand up to stop him.

She can not hear those words.

Something went wrong. We did what we could. He's gone.

Not after everything. Fate can't be that cruel? Can it?

Has she come home only to find he won't ever be coming home?

Oh, but it can. A million little proverbs float to her mind about seizing the day. Living in the moment. Not taking time for granted. Never knowing how many tomorrows you had. Yes, Fate could be that cruel. It is often that cruel.

Why does she think they are an exception?

She needs a minute. Just a minute. Just enough time to brace herself so that she doesn't fall apart again.

How did she let this happen to her again? Again?

Why?

How is she going to face the rest of life without him? Now that she knows he's necessary for her happiness. Now that she knows what life is like without his damn smile, how is she ever going to make it through another week without it?

It hits her then, that the whole time she was gone she's been counting down to today. Been waiting patiently for him to come back with all that excitement. Stories about his adventures. That little boy smile she can't get enough of and his hungry eyes. She missed those eyes so damn much.

She's been collecting stories of her own to share, about the time she got caught in a bar fight in Kentucky because some hick was getting handsy. Or a Talking Head song on the radio at a diner in Albuquerque. Or that time her car got towed and she had to hoof it into town to find a phone to call a cab to drive her to the impound lot. She never promised to wait, but that's what she's been doing. Waiting to tell him all these little things that remind her. Waiting to tell him about her journey. Waiting to come home to him and fall back into his embrace.

Waiting to tell him she's finally ready and maybe try and convince him to be ready too.

If they tell her she can't...

But she's not running from this. Not anymore. Her world fell in on her once before, if it happens again she'll deal. She doesn't know how, but she's sure she'll find a way to cope. She doesn't need him to define herself, she knows she's never really needed anyone to tell her what to do or who to be. She knows who she is and he's not just another challenge. She doesn't have to prove anything to anyone. She won't fall apart.

But she's really not that eager to test the theory and would prefer he was not missing or no longer able to challenge her.

Carter sits down next to her and Vincent pretends not to listen. Finally she asks.

"What happened?"

All she hears is that he's not dead.

He very well could be for all they know. They have no idea what happened to the shuttle. It could be in a million pieces floating around in space. They may never know what happened.

But she can't think that way.

"We'll find them." She offers.

This time she's not going to let him go. She's going to find him. She's going to bring them back. She's going to tell him what she should have been smart enough to realize before she drove away.

She doesn't care how long it takes. She'll wait.


End file.
